And the packing begins...

So we whole heartedly began packing today. We have until Friday night to get most of it packed and ready for movers both Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday we were supposed to get started but I was not "in the mood." I could not motivate myself to do it. Today M. stayed home and helped me get started. We started in the worst of the worst...the office. We spent the whole day going through files and organizing it getting it ready to pack. I shredded 5 garbage bags of old files. I also got some of the living room done.

This whole process has been very emotional for me. I can't even explain it. I am a little sad about leaving the house but at the same time ready to move on. It just seems that even though we sold the house and we are in position to move on...I am stuck and everyone else is moving on around me. I think that this is in part to losing a job that I wanted and M. getting the job that he wanted. I am happy for him but scared that he will be gone so much and we don't have a place to call our own that we will lose any sembalance of the life that we once had. What will happen to our time together? What will happen to the plans that brought us to the decision to sell the house and move in the first place? Will I be able to live with my parents again? I am not the single woman that I was the last time that I lived with them. What will happen to our privacy and ability to share a life as husband and wife?

I feel completely stuck in a rut and I am not happy in the life that I see coming ahead. I will continue to rely on God. That is all that I can do right now. Perhaps I will become more independent and it will turn out to be a good thing. Perhaps that independence will put space in my marriage. Perhaps it will put too much space. Part of the reason for this move was to be closer to family and also to friends, but right now I feel like I am not fun to be around and would be best to be left alone. So perhaps I will throw myself into my work. Without having to be responsible to get M. because we will no longer be carpooling together, I see myself working longer hours. Not because I want to but because I have nothing to go home for. A garage? A fight with the parents? A sleeping husband?

While I have no one to blame for how I feel...abandonment it not a fun or good feeling. I was still trying to figure out how to be married and now I have to figure out how to be my own person again. Add to that many layers of tension in the house that I will be living due to other situations that revolve around 5 adults living under the same roof.

So I am just venting. Apparently I wear my emotions on my face as whenever I go out right now I have the whole world worrying about me. I don't know that I want that. I think that it makes me want to stay in more. Not a good feeling when you only have a place to stay for 3 more days.

Well we shall see what tomorrow brings. Another day of packing... we are supposed to help my mom pack the room that we are going to stay in. I am worried that the room won't be ready for us to move on Saturday. Anytime I try to discuss with my mom what needs to be done I am frustrated. Apparently I am easily frustrated these days...who would have guessed?

I am rambling now...so I will head to bed for tonight. Thanks for listening.